Nobbly Bobblys

I can assure you there is such a thing. It's strawberry in the middle, and is covered with chocolate and hundreds and thousands of hundreds and thousands. I ate half a one the other night, with future MIL, their family dog, and 007 on the TV.

Today, the emotion and energy that has been going up and down yo-yo style goes along way to explain why mid teary discussion I clonked over in Asda. Several things can trigger a full collapse for me, and I think I hit several in the space of an hour. Absolute full marks to Asda (and my loved one - because he's never actually seen me clonk over, and he chatted away to them like he handled this all the time), because in the whole history of kissing concrete/grotty floors/wood I don't think staff have ever been so calm and normal.

They shut the aisle, very discretely. They got me water, they made no extra embarrassing fuss, they offered a first aider, and they waited patiently. They even offfered a screen. Attitude speaks volumes - I think that is the least embarrassed I've been - because I was told after that the entire row of checkouts was agog at my fall against the freezers, but not once was I aware of it. Then they got me a chair, wheeled me to a checkout, where they'd already put my shopping through, and took me out to get the taxi they had ordered. The relief at not having to laugh at anyones 'oh my a lady has collapsed and now we must joke her better' jokes was immense. I was too ill to talk, and I didn't have to do my chat brightly to make everyone else feel better now routine.

In contrast to some of the most hideous post collapse scenarios you can imagine - well, it was so low on the trauma scale it did not register. Several collapses in hospitals I've been in, are in the top ten most horrific things I have had to deal with in my life.

Coping with good care after poor care is ironically a lot of why I am tense today anyway. It is destabilising when people you love either leave, or emotionally decide not to care anymore. My past involves some hard core verbal abuse, and questionable treatment from people in caring roles. The scars that leaves are interesting - you never quite know how deep a hurt goes until someone else gets close enough to try to kiss it better. I am both enjoying a time of blessing, and also wanting to run away quick in case something else awful happens. It's such a relief when people are reliable - but it shows such a sharp contrast against the lacking of care and trustworthiness in some people I have met, that it actually puts me out of kilter whilst I adjust.

I have met nurses who have shouted at me whilst I was on the floor, demanding I stand up. I have had two close friends walk out a room during a party because I had collapsed dancing, and they left me on the floor without asking if I was ok. A nurse decided I needed my family contacted during observations when I collapsed and her concerns were quashed. I told a doctor I'd nearly collapsed in front of moving traffic (great big truck, and me mid road), and she was not concerned in the least. Bizarrely, in a store where they like to pat you on the back pocket, I got the best looking after, and even got the bonus of no added humiliation to that particular oopsidaisy.