Shock and stress

Without trying to sound like, and I claim the most stressful six months of the year award for me, I actually am having quite a serious dose of it.
I have been in the pursuit of another job for a long time now, but just before dad died, I told my boyfriend - I really mean it, I really am quiting; not knowing that ah, actually I really would need to quit.
Many many thanks to everyone who has fed and watered me - because you are not just healing up grief - you are also sustaining a tired, frustrated and wee bit scared lady who is working in such a tough environment she goes to see her boyfriend for lunch, cries all over her lunch, he makes her practice her tough face, and the cafe we meet in probably wonder what in the hey kind of relationship we are in. I would not say just now is top joyful.
On the day before dad died, both my deputy and other member of staff shouted at and criticized me for a whole heap of things during a 'we have lost our tempers and have forgotten we are being rude' moment.
I sustained a brave face the next day, not knowing that I was going to end up off for quite some time for the funeral, and then the consequent getting signed off with shock experience.
Both ladies have continued to be both occasionally supportive and majorly critical in a wearing me down manner, that have included a few finger in my face moments. Not aided by the fact they are both exhausted themselves and walk around like two hot pots of ticking bomb expressions.
So, hide the shock, look taller, keep firm, tell boss.
Ah, here's the rub. Everyone is in disagreement with me as I am not willing to split the staff so that one member of staff will be effectively left alone whilst playing with the pixies. This issue I have wrestled with for months - the Care Commission asked me to do it, and I said no. I've been told that what I think is a load of bull (said very angrily), I said no. Phone calls have gone on behind my back, and meetings arranged, and I said no.
I have been willing to quit over it. I did not know I would effectively get so undermined by it, that I literally have to use every resource possible (prayer, chocolate, ABBA, tidying, not tidying, begging people to tell me what I am doing well) to face each day. I have dealt with tough staff situations before - I know that there are options I could use if I wanted to fight - but right now - I just want out, and I am trying to leave with as little damage to myself as possible.
Now, when I discussed this further, I was asked to consider compromising my stance. Perhaps the staff could sign a waiver. I said - then I would rather not work here. This of course is far easier to say when a friend has kindly helped me get several interviews lined up. Even so - I lost a night of sleep after. I could not be the kind of manager who puts any staff in a situation where if they were accused I could not verify I did all I could to protect them. I do not have the energy to keep fighting the snidey comments and put downs, and I know I have shot myself well in the foot where people go - your leaving, we will miss you. I'd safely say - everyone will go - oh good, she was making a fuss for nothing anyway.
I was advised to stick up to the staff more - I am doing this. I don't know what all the issues are - I suspect there are many - and that I am not the sole source of irritation. If I get a job, I have to work a months notice - not fun. If not - I quit anyway.
In the midst of this I have felt God saying to me - yes you are in the middle of a hurricane - you are right in the eye of it, and I am with you, and I know this hurts. Songs about going from the old to the new, and about following Him, and the joy that comes with that have filled my head for months. At the end of this week prayers that my boyfriend and I prayed for his church, a church that is struggling to survive, seem to be being answered better than we hoped - and that helps. I think there is more goes on around us than we think. I waver between the security that storms are often signs you are actually doing what God wants, and telling Him, that is the last time I tell you I will praise you in all circumstances.

Thank you again in advance for the conversations and hugs that I know you would all give. I'll put them all in the bank account - because it's getting heavily withdrawn at the moment,