Green Stuff

It was my birthday in October. It was a day when my dad was not here, or my mum. One of those – I really hope they phone days. The kind that make death very confusing.

Of course they’ve gone. But maybe they could visit.

I got a tree dedicated to Dad. If he’d had his way, he’d have repopulated forests.

His commitment to challenging Green Issues niggles in my mind.

This year, I have started collecting stuff to recycle again. Boxes, and kitchen rolls and cardboard can go to schools and afterschools to turn into junk modelling. Glass can accumulate till I get it to the bottle bank. It’s a mixture of beginning to save stuff and also think more aware.

The next year I think I’ll go greener in choosing an electricity supplier. I have started reading the labels of where my food comes from. I would love to buy food with less packaging. I’ve started thinking about where my clothes are bought – how do I go more ethical, but still afford them?

I asked at Dad’s funeral that people remember his ideals, and make changes. If you have, in any way whatsoever, even a little bit, please can you let me know? I want to have a long-term commitment to changing my lifestyle as far as it can go.

My goal is to start making crafts to sell on the internet that long term would be make from as many recycled materials as possible. The media I like to use are wire, beads, felt, silk and paper. This year I’m learning more silk painting. One day I’d like to make paper from scrap paper by hand. My company will be called Little Fires, and thanks to J, already exists even though I haven’t sold a darned thing. Further details will follow.

Celebrations

Yesterday, we went to replace my unique but temporary mood ring with a very fairysparkle ring from the jewellers. Having informed my fiance that I would spend ages and ages choosing - it was the first ring I saw and tried on that I loved. As I said to him, once I find something that I love, then that's it in my head. Much, much walking around all day going, 'oooh, very sparkly.' Most of my choice came from the part of me that could be easily distracted by a packet of glitter.

In the evening we went to a Wild West night hosted by his family at his church. Three squaws versus a predominance of cowboys, including some more senior members enjoying the gun and gangster clothes maybe just a bit too much.

A wave of generosity in terms of gifts, best wishes, and offers of help has opened out to us from both of our families and friends that we have found overwhelming. It is deeply touching to be on the receiving end. Of course the loss of Dad is foremost in our hearts and minds right now. I know he would have enjoyed the celebrating, and planning.

Sitting one evening and writing a potential guest list was rather sobering. Actually seeing in writing that my family has lost both parents, all grandparents, and that we have only a few aunts and uncles was hard. I know I am blessed, I have a lovely brother and sister, and the families they have married into are loving, and fun. Being without both parents is a bit like riding a very big bike, and one that used to have two stabilisers. Its not impossible to ride without the stabilisers, but there is a memory of how good it was to have both together. There is a keen awareness that both our mum and dad provided a good home for their family, and a constant sense of disbelief that they cannot be contacted on the phone for a chat.

Everybody has a longing for a sense of home - it pulls us towards people, and decisions, and all sorts of coping mechanisms for the part of us that longs to belong and to feel settled. If a group around us feels safe and supportive then that is what makes life isn't it? So many people are valiantly trying to continue to grow a group of people around them right now, because for various reasons, that stable support around them has been shaken, sometimes very severely in their lives. Joining with another family just now is actually quite nerve wracking just now, as a family with three sisters and a mum and a dad who are all a bit crazy, and generous and fun is both welcome and taking time to get used to. It is a relief to know my future mother in law is also a believer in you can't really have too much shiny shiny glittery stuff in your life too.

Shock and stress

Without trying to sound like, and I claim the most stressful six months of the year award for me, I actually am having quite a serious dose of it.
I have been in the pursuit of another job for a long time now, but just before dad died, I told my boyfriend - I really mean it, I really am quiting; not knowing that ah, actually I really would need to quit.
Many many thanks to everyone who has fed and watered me - because you are not just healing up grief - you are also sustaining a tired, frustrated and wee bit scared lady who is working in such a tough environment she goes to see her boyfriend for lunch, cries all over her lunch, he makes her practice her tough face, and the cafe we meet in probably wonder what in the hey kind of relationship we are in. I would not say just now is top joyful.
On the day before dad died, both my deputy and other member of staff shouted at and criticized me for a whole heap of things during a 'we have lost our tempers and have forgotten we are being rude' moment.
I sustained a brave face the next day, not knowing that I was going to end up off for quite some time for the funeral, and then the consequent getting signed off with shock experience.
Both ladies have continued to be both occasionally supportive and majorly critical in a wearing me down manner, that have included a few finger in my face moments. Not aided by the fact they are both exhausted themselves and walk around like two hot pots of ticking bomb expressions.
So, hide the shock, look taller, keep firm, tell boss.
Ah, here's the rub. Everyone is in disagreement with me as I am not willing to split the staff so that one member of staff will be effectively left alone whilst playing with the pixies. This issue I have wrestled with for months - the Care Commission asked me to do it, and I said no. I've been told that what I think is a load of bull (said very angrily), I said no. Phone calls have gone on behind my back, and meetings arranged, and I said no.
I have been willing to quit over it. I did not know I would effectively get so undermined by it, that I literally have to use every resource possible (prayer, chocolate, ABBA, tidying, not tidying, begging people to tell me what I am doing well) to face each day. I have dealt with tough staff situations before - I know that there are options I could use if I wanted to fight - but right now - I just want out, and I am trying to leave with as little damage to myself as possible.
Now, when I discussed this further, I was asked to consider compromising my stance. Perhaps the staff could sign a waiver. I said - then I would rather not work here. This of course is far easier to say when a friend has kindly helped me get several interviews lined up. Even so - I lost a night of sleep after. I could not be the kind of manager who puts any staff in a situation where if they were accused I could not verify I did all I could to protect them. I do not have the energy to keep fighting the snidey comments and put downs, and I know I have shot myself well in the foot where people go - your leaving, we will miss you. I'd safely say - everyone will go - oh good, she was making a fuss for nothing anyway.
I was advised to stick up to the staff more - I am doing this. I don't know what all the issues are - I suspect there are many - and that I am not the sole source of irritation. If I get a job, I have to work a months notice - not fun. If not - I quit anyway.
In the midst of this I have felt God saying to me - yes you are in the middle of a hurricane - you are right in the eye of it, and I am with you, and I know this hurts. Songs about going from the old to the new, and about following Him, and the joy that comes with that have filled my head for months. At the end of this week prayers that my boyfriend and I prayed for his church, a church that is struggling to survive, seem to be being answered better than we hoped - and that helps. I think there is more goes on around us than we think. I waver between the security that storms are often signs you are actually doing what God wants, and telling Him, that is the last time I tell you I will praise you in all circumstances.

Thank you again in advance for the conversations and hugs that I know you would all give. I'll put them all in the bank account - because it's getting heavily withdrawn at the moment,

Shock

Just now, I have been signed off work for a week. I feel dreadful.

When I heard the news about dad, I felt as though I was being punched right in the middle, so hard, it was like having a car plough through my solar plexus. Now, I look ok on the outside, but on the inside I feel sick. My heart feels bumpy. My stomach feels tight. And I have this anxious ball of sludge that keeps overwhelming my system, over and over.

I can work, but just not right now. I feel unable to cope with the shaky feeling that comes just having a normal discussions, never mind the billion things I need to remember to keep the pixies ok.

Cards, texts, calls, sharing your news, sharing your losses - ok all of them are the correct medicine. I already knew life was finite - our family lost our mum eleven years ago. I already knew to regard relationships as precious, but this is the absolute reminder. We all loved dad and we will all miss him so much.

Many people live without their parents - and that is the full result of this loss - that our family has no Big Person to go to who will listen, fix things or be in charge when we can't. It's an exposed position. I feel raw - like a tooth nerve in the open. The change it makes to you is hard to define. You want to tell people to cling to their family and keep in contact - to salvage bonds where ever possible.

But, families are not like that - they are messy, and often, the very adults people look to for support - are not available for them. There is more than one way of losing your parents. Caring for a mum who had lost herself to Alzheimer's, or for a dad lost to drink is also a loss of what is admittedly often a perception, but a real loss.

Nobody wants to be fully in charge - the challenge in marriage is often part of this realisation that we all want someone close to call mummy or daddy, and sometimes we want that from those close to us. Then, like the kid in us likes to do - we then turn round and say that we have changed our mind - and we don't need a parent thank you, we are all grown upped thank you.

I have had a lot of conversations with people about living as a community in the church recently. The very bonds that we break to get away to find ourselves in a big city, are the very bonds we wonder what to do without. I know the thought for many people that the church is a community is ridiculous - because how can an organisation that has so many politics and strange traditions be a family. I have no answers - but it's interesting so many people crave the belonging. Family life can be crazy - and there are times to tie them firmly to your heart - and times when in order to love, or survive - you have to break away.

I am divorced - and I know how even if you try your darndest - not every relationship is rescuable. The bible talks about trying to live in peace to your best ability. It also talks about people crazy enough to sell their possessions to benefit each other. Somehow - one man's resurrection was to inspire people to reverse the concept of living for yourself - the church is a body. That means - all bits work together. Christians in many denominations are now wrestling with this - what does that mean - how do you do that?

My boyfriend and I have several decisions we are looking at right now - as both of us are heart committed to the idea of a community church, where Christ is central, and where the ability to be open to God's direction is real. Both of us have the same dreams with different skins on - and we hope we can build together whatever God asks us to do.

The Best Pep Talk Ever
Primary seven pixie to group of pixies doing fun run - 'Run like horses!.....no, no - run like the goat!'

Dad

At my dad's funeral, I had the privilege of sharing my thoughts on a man who I thought was both couragious and eccentric. Here is a little bit of what I said. I asked that people be more mindful of the environment, of their uses of their time, money and energy - because dad was so passionate about making the world a greener place. He loved buying trees. If he was still here - he had ambitious plans to challenge the government and invest in green projects.

Dad
There is a time to think small, to care about fixing up a kitchen just right, in every detail.
There is a time to think big, to want to march into parliament and demand that changes be made.
There is a time to give your heart to one woman, and to love her and care for her as wife and mother to her children.
There is a time to give your heart to many people, and always have the time to talk to shop assistants and strangers.
There is a time to save, and economises and work hard to give your children what they need.
There is a time to take your money, blow the lot, and treat your family to Disneyland.
There is a time to strip engines from cars and rebuild washing machines yourself and mend what is broken.
There is a time to buy five electric bikes and show them off with pride, just because you can.
There is a time to fill your children’s lives with smart inventions and rooms filled with oscilloscopes, and things to be saved to be mended later.
There is a time to sit still, and talk and talk, and laugh with your family, and allow yourself to rest.

Comfort

On my windowsill is a display of sympathy cards I have recieved after my dad's sudden death. I think when people send cards they think that it's a small thing - but having them here is very comforting. To see the care that went into choosing them, and thinking what to write.

The pixies sent a really sweet card - where one of them has written - 'Cheer up', next to their name.

People who come close and share about their losses are also very comforting - this loss is too big to cover over with - yes as a family we are fine.
We are not fine, we are not ok - we've lost part of the structure of our lives and even the energy to hide how hard this is too much.

At the funeral - it was so good to have people from every stage of our lives their. People from our childhood church, people who worked with Dad, the families of our partners, friends from the past and present. Don't underestimate the value of just sitting with someone in their grief - it helps anchor a part of you that wonders when feeling normal ever comes again.

How to heal up a broken heart

Last October, there was the sensation of reaching the bottom of the barrel on more than one occasion. That oh oh time, when you go - ok think I'm going to get hurt, and it's going to hurt so so bad.

December - dumped by text. Hurt more by another's cowardice than their intentions. There was a brief flurry of discussions after that - that mainly confirmed - this person no more knew their intentions than they could calculate the ability to make their actions match their words.

Just before New Year, my Dad threw his holiday surprise routine at me. Let's go to Spain, for New Year.

I could survive Christmas - Christmas I was with my family. But New Year - yes, leaving the country was needed.

Holidays with Dad were always a bit of a white knuckle ride - he would combine ingenious last minute deals with some times some quite obscure travelling arrangements.

I knew if we got to Spain on New Year's eve - well that would give enough time to keep breathing until I could sift my hurt through the filter of Spanish air. Dad and I spent much of our three days away talking about our natural affinity with Spain, with it's air, climate, and look of the land. Like we had returned to our ancestral home.

On New Year's eve - we went down to the beach. We walked around the really posh restaurant that we would discuss in awe - and recall how we weren't going to have dinner there because none of our holiday clothes were good enough. I knew back home there would be people and parties, and shouting and cheering. We didn't have that - we had the sea.

A thick black sea swept up back and forth over the sand. We walked up and down the beach, listening to the hush, hush of the sea at night. It was the best way to greet the next year. So, we spent the remainder of the holiday just doing that - watching the sea.

I told my dad how my homeopathic medicine had been chosen to reflect my love of the sea and the beach. He told me my mum had been the same - she had loved the beach, it made her feel better.

The first day we sat - it was hot. We sat and looked out at the waves, and enjoyed the sun. In between our sea watching bouts - we went to cafe's and drank coffee, and talked.

We didn't know this would be our last holiday - we didn't know these would be our last chats.
That my lasting memory would be of watching my dad sitting at a bench, with sun hat on, wearing t-shirt and shorts, looking over the shore.

Holidays had always meant lot's of plans. Dad always took his music, his mini stereo, an electric bike, and an intinery that meant we would go and see things. This time - he hadn't brought much beyond his clothes.

I remember how surprised I was that he was eager to go to cafe's and just banter away. The cafe we sat in on New Year's day was full of happy crazy music and drunk people dancing outside - a couple who owned the cafe were swaying with each other as they clasped hands and waists together.

The next day it was colder, and wet. We decided at the end of a rather nippy wave watching session, that we would go for dinner. The cafe we chose was deserted. I'd spent time in the morning chosing a good place to go - this cafe had displays of sea food that were mind boggling. The cafe was deserted - so we sat inside and ate sardines and meat and salad.

I talked to dad about the areas about pixie care, and running a pixie club that make me question the far bigger issues of how we look after our children - what is right, what is wrong. Dad looked at me, and said, wow, look at you, you could be on TV. A dad who told me everything I needed to know - when you aren't being heard, when you want to say something important - I believe in your ability to say it.

All the watching of the sea - had helped wash away the sadness of the year. A near promise of a future and a family had drowned, and I was filled with awful dreams of a house whose walls ran with wet inside that I could not stop.

I had cried - but the sea, her lovely waves entered a part of me that could not cry. A part that needed gentler care. Dad and I talked briefly about the loss of the relationship.

I knew somewhere deep inside that this was all I needed to get me ready - to be ready to pick myself up from the I have so been dumped corner and start running again.

Dad gave time. He probably talked to more people than we will ever know. He loved his family. None of us knew that his time was short. That he would die suddenly.

He wanted all of his children to know he was proud of them. That when he did die, that they would pull together. He spoke often of how happy he was that we got on well as adults, that he could come to us all for advice.

You get to meet people sometimes who are giants - who live big. Dad lived big. Today, right now - think of those people and send them a hug. Send two.

Thanks v much

This is a BIG BIG thank you blog. But first a wee story.

There were two houses who lived next to each other and the bigger house said - hey, let's support each other and get cosy. So the little house said - yes, that'd be grand. Two years on, the little house said to the big house - so why don't we turn into one house, after all you did suggest it.
There was no reply, and the little house looked and discovered the big house had turned into a big pile of ivy, growing up the walls.
Oh, dear, said the little house, I thought you said you would support me.
I can't, said the ivy, I 'm not a house anymore.
Then the ivy turned back into the house, and then back into the ivy, and back into the house, and blah, blah, blah.
Right, said the little house - are you a house or what?
Or what, said the ivy.
So the little house said - nothing whatsoever, and moved away from the revolving ivy/house.
THE END.

To everyone who has poured in love, tea, prayer, listening, wisdom, patience, more tea, more wisdom, more listening, and more tissues - thank you for your support. Here we go, my little life lesson -we did it two years ago, now it's time for a repeat;

You can do everything right. You can invest in good things. It may still go Tits Up. Not nice tits up - not all cuddly, but more like, argh, ouch, ouch, a bad thing is happening.
Doesn't matter - keep dreaming, keep hoping, keep attempting.

In the mean time - the little house, got it's heart broken. When it says it's fine, it means - I am broken. Broken means - in half, and pretending to be ok. That takes some time to mend properly, and may even taken quite a while.