Celebrations

Yesterday, we went to replace my unique but temporary mood ring with a very fairysparkle ring from the jewellers. Having informed my fiance that I would spend ages and ages choosing - it was the first ring I saw and tried on that I loved. As I said to him, once I find something that I love, then that's it in my head. Much, much walking around all day going, 'oooh, very sparkly.' Most of my choice came from the part of me that could be easily distracted by a packet of glitter.

In the evening we went to a Wild West night hosted by his family at his church. Three squaws versus a predominance of cowboys, including some more senior members enjoying the gun and gangster clothes maybe just a bit too much.

A wave of generosity in terms of gifts, best wishes, and offers of help has opened out to us from both of our families and friends that we have found overwhelming. It is deeply touching to be on the receiving end. Of course the loss of Dad is foremost in our hearts and minds right now. I know he would have enjoyed the celebrating, and planning.

Sitting one evening and writing a potential guest list was rather sobering. Actually seeing in writing that my family has lost both parents, all grandparents, and that we have only a few aunts and uncles was hard. I know I am blessed, I have a lovely brother and sister, and the families they have married into are loving, and fun. Being without both parents is a bit like riding a very big bike, and one that used to have two stabilisers. Its not impossible to ride without the stabilisers, but there is a memory of how good it was to have both together. There is a keen awareness that both our mum and dad provided a good home for their family, and a constant sense of disbelief that they cannot be contacted on the phone for a chat.

Everybody has a longing for a sense of home - it pulls us towards people, and decisions, and all sorts of coping mechanisms for the part of us that longs to belong and to feel settled. If a group around us feels safe and supportive then that is what makes life isn't it? So many people are valiantly trying to continue to grow a group of people around them right now, because for various reasons, that stable support around them has been shaken, sometimes very severely in their lives. Joining with another family just now is actually quite nerve wracking just now, as a family with three sisters and a mum and a dad who are all a bit crazy, and generous and fun is both welcome and taking time to get used to. It is a relief to know my future mother in law is also a believer in you can't really have too much shiny shiny glittery stuff in your life too.

Dad

At my dad's funeral, I had the privilege of sharing my thoughts on a man who I thought was both couragious and eccentric. Here is a little bit of what I said. I asked that people be more mindful of the environment, of their uses of their time, money and energy - because dad was so passionate about making the world a greener place. He loved buying trees. If he was still here - he had ambitious plans to challenge the government and invest in green projects.

Dad
There is a time to think small, to care about fixing up a kitchen just right, in every detail.
There is a time to think big, to want to march into parliament and demand that changes be made.
There is a time to give your heart to one woman, and to love her and care for her as wife and mother to her children.
There is a time to give your heart to many people, and always have the time to talk to shop assistants and strangers.
There is a time to save, and economises and work hard to give your children what they need.
There is a time to take your money, blow the lot, and treat your family to Disneyland.
There is a time to strip engines from cars and rebuild washing machines yourself and mend what is broken.
There is a time to buy five electric bikes and show them off with pride, just because you can.
There is a time to fill your children’s lives with smart inventions and rooms filled with oscilloscopes, and things to be saved to be mended later.
There is a time to sit still, and talk and talk, and laugh with your family, and allow yourself to rest.

Comfort

On my windowsill is a display of sympathy cards I have recieved after my dad's sudden death. I think when people send cards they think that it's a small thing - but having them here is very comforting. To see the care that went into choosing them, and thinking what to write.

The pixies sent a really sweet card - where one of them has written - 'Cheer up', next to their name.

People who come close and share about their losses are also very comforting - this loss is too big to cover over with - yes as a family we are fine.
We are not fine, we are not ok - we've lost part of the structure of our lives and even the energy to hide how hard this is too much.

At the funeral - it was so good to have people from every stage of our lives their. People from our childhood church, people who worked with Dad, the families of our partners, friends from the past and present. Don't underestimate the value of just sitting with someone in their grief - it helps anchor a part of you that wonders when feeling normal ever comes again.