Shock and stress

Without trying to sound like, and I claim the most stressful six months of the year award for me, I actually am having quite a serious dose of it.
I have been in the pursuit of another job for a long time now, but just before dad died, I told my boyfriend - I really mean it, I really am quiting; not knowing that ah, actually I really would need to quit.
Many many thanks to everyone who has fed and watered me - because you are not just healing up grief - you are also sustaining a tired, frustrated and wee bit scared lady who is working in such a tough environment she goes to see her boyfriend for lunch, cries all over her lunch, he makes her practice her tough face, and the cafe we meet in probably wonder what in the hey kind of relationship we are in. I would not say just now is top joyful.
On the day before dad died, both my deputy and other member of staff shouted at and criticized me for a whole heap of things during a 'we have lost our tempers and have forgotten we are being rude' moment.
I sustained a brave face the next day, not knowing that I was going to end up off for quite some time for the funeral, and then the consequent getting signed off with shock experience.
Both ladies have continued to be both occasionally supportive and majorly critical in a wearing me down manner, that have included a few finger in my face moments. Not aided by the fact they are both exhausted themselves and walk around like two hot pots of ticking bomb expressions.
So, hide the shock, look taller, keep firm, tell boss.
Ah, here's the rub. Everyone is in disagreement with me as I am not willing to split the staff so that one member of staff will be effectively left alone whilst playing with the pixies. This issue I have wrestled with for months - the Care Commission asked me to do it, and I said no. I've been told that what I think is a load of bull (said very angrily), I said no. Phone calls have gone on behind my back, and meetings arranged, and I said no.
I have been willing to quit over it. I did not know I would effectively get so undermined by it, that I literally have to use every resource possible (prayer, chocolate, ABBA, tidying, not tidying, begging people to tell me what I am doing well) to face each day. I have dealt with tough staff situations before - I know that there are options I could use if I wanted to fight - but right now - I just want out, and I am trying to leave with as little damage to myself as possible.
Now, when I discussed this further, I was asked to consider compromising my stance. Perhaps the staff could sign a waiver. I said - then I would rather not work here. This of course is far easier to say when a friend has kindly helped me get several interviews lined up. Even so - I lost a night of sleep after. I could not be the kind of manager who puts any staff in a situation where if they were accused I could not verify I did all I could to protect them. I do not have the energy to keep fighting the snidey comments and put downs, and I know I have shot myself well in the foot where people go - your leaving, we will miss you. I'd safely say - everyone will go - oh good, she was making a fuss for nothing anyway.
I was advised to stick up to the staff more - I am doing this. I don't know what all the issues are - I suspect there are many - and that I am not the sole source of irritation. If I get a job, I have to work a months notice - not fun. If not - I quit anyway.
In the midst of this I have felt God saying to me - yes you are in the middle of a hurricane - you are right in the eye of it, and I am with you, and I know this hurts. Songs about going from the old to the new, and about following Him, and the joy that comes with that have filled my head for months. At the end of this week prayers that my boyfriend and I prayed for his church, a church that is struggling to survive, seem to be being answered better than we hoped - and that helps. I think there is more goes on around us than we think. I waver between the security that storms are often signs you are actually doing what God wants, and telling Him, that is the last time I tell you I will praise you in all circumstances.

Thank you again in advance for the conversations and hugs that I know you would all give. I'll put them all in the bank account - because it's getting heavily withdrawn at the moment,

Shock

Just now, I have been signed off work for a week. I feel dreadful.

When I heard the news about dad, I felt as though I was being punched right in the middle, so hard, it was like having a car plough through my solar plexus. Now, I look ok on the outside, but on the inside I feel sick. My heart feels bumpy. My stomach feels tight. And I have this anxious ball of sludge that keeps overwhelming my system, over and over.

I can work, but just not right now. I feel unable to cope with the shaky feeling that comes just having a normal discussions, never mind the billion things I need to remember to keep the pixies ok.

Cards, texts, calls, sharing your news, sharing your losses - ok all of them are the correct medicine. I already knew life was finite - our family lost our mum eleven years ago. I already knew to regard relationships as precious, but this is the absolute reminder. We all loved dad and we will all miss him so much.

Many people live without their parents - and that is the full result of this loss - that our family has no Big Person to go to who will listen, fix things or be in charge when we can't. It's an exposed position. I feel raw - like a tooth nerve in the open. The change it makes to you is hard to define. You want to tell people to cling to their family and keep in contact - to salvage bonds where ever possible.

But, families are not like that - they are messy, and often, the very adults people look to for support - are not available for them. There is more than one way of losing your parents. Caring for a mum who had lost herself to Alzheimer's, or for a dad lost to drink is also a loss of what is admittedly often a perception, but a real loss.

Nobody wants to be fully in charge - the challenge in marriage is often part of this realisation that we all want someone close to call mummy or daddy, and sometimes we want that from those close to us. Then, like the kid in us likes to do - we then turn round and say that we have changed our mind - and we don't need a parent thank you, we are all grown upped thank you.

I have had a lot of conversations with people about living as a community in the church recently. The very bonds that we break to get away to find ourselves in a big city, are the very bonds we wonder what to do without. I know the thought for many people that the church is a community is ridiculous - because how can an organisation that has so many politics and strange traditions be a family. I have no answers - but it's interesting so many people crave the belonging. Family life can be crazy - and there are times to tie them firmly to your heart - and times when in order to love, or survive - you have to break away.

I am divorced - and I know how even if you try your darndest - not every relationship is rescuable. The bible talks about trying to live in peace to your best ability. It also talks about people crazy enough to sell their possessions to benefit each other. Somehow - one man's resurrection was to inspire people to reverse the concept of living for yourself - the church is a body. That means - all bits work together. Christians in many denominations are now wrestling with this - what does that mean - how do you do that?

My boyfriend and I have several decisions we are looking at right now - as both of us are heart committed to the idea of a community church, where Christ is central, and where the ability to be open to God's direction is real. Both of us have the same dreams with different skins on - and we hope we can build together whatever God asks us to do.

The Best Pep Talk Ever
Primary seven pixie to group of pixies doing fun run - 'Run like horses!.....no, no - run like the goat!'

Dad

At my dad's funeral, I had the privilege of sharing my thoughts on a man who I thought was both couragious and eccentric. Here is a little bit of what I said. I asked that people be more mindful of the environment, of their uses of their time, money and energy - because dad was so passionate about making the world a greener place. He loved buying trees. If he was still here - he had ambitious plans to challenge the government and invest in green projects.

Dad
There is a time to think small, to care about fixing up a kitchen just right, in every detail.
There is a time to think big, to want to march into parliament and demand that changes be made.
There is a time to give your heart to one woman, and to love her and care for her as wife and mother to her children.
There is a time to give your heart to many people, and always have the time to talk to shop assistants and strangers.
There is a time to save, and economises and work hard to give your children what they need.
There is a time to take your money, blow the lot, and treat your family to Disneyland.
There is a time to strip engines from cars and rebuild washing machines yourself and mend what is broken.
There is a time to buy five electric bikes and show them off with pride, just because you can.
There is a time to fill your children’s lives with smart inventions and rooms filled with oscilloscopes, and things to be saved to be mended later.
There is a time to sit still, and talk and talk, and laugh with your family, and allow yourself to rest.